HOW I LEARNED TO TRUST MY BODY AND HAVE FAITH IN MY ABILITY TO HEAL
photo credit: Audrey Ruhland of @Thisldu_
LOSING FAITH
I was a pleasantly plump little girl that loved cookies and candies and sweets far more than broccoli or any form of strenuous exercise. I didn’t really see anything wrong with that until about the 1st grade, when adults near and dear to me started to express concern about my weight and pass thinly veiled judgment of my voracious appetite. Teachers, friends’ parents, neighborhood moms started planting a seed that would grow into mistrust and contempt for my own body long before I even wore a training bra.
By the time I was in 5th grade and was moo’d at in math class by a nasty little boy in the back of the room, I had already become convinced I couldn’t trust myself with food. On that day, the humiliation of being teased publicly was nothing compared to the shame I felt for getting myself into that situation. How could I let this happen? How could I put myself in this position? I was far from puberty, still just a chubby little girl, and yet my ability to care for my own body already felt woefully inadequate.
In middle school, I went to see a nutritionist we were referred to by a pediatrician who said he was concerned with my weight. The nutritionist taught me everything I needed to know about caloric deficits, low fat and low calorie foods, and what a “successful weight-loss diet” looked like. Because I still loved food, and because I was a growing girl that needed proper nutrition not deprivation, I failed to comply with her strict guidelines. I eventually found my way to laxatives so I could at least comply with her “calories in, calories out” rules. My naive takeaway from that whole experience was, “If I can’t be trusted to follow simple directions, a simple roadmap to the body I want, how can I ever trust myself with food?”
My freshman year in high school, I went into treatment for an eating disorder. I remember watching my mother walk away through a glass door after dropping me off on the first day. I felt untethered and utterly alone and afraid. The time I spent in that treatment center was one of the darkest, most depressing experiences of my life. By the time I walked back through that glass door for the last time, I believed there was no way I could trust a mind or body that led me to such a horrible place.
I struggled on and off with disordered eating in some form or another for the better part of two decades. Combined with clinical depression, hormone imbalances, infertility, hypothyroidism and spinal osteoarthritis, my ongoing battle with my body was fueled by fear and a desire to control everything I couldn’t control. For years into recovery and my holistic health journey, I couldn’t quite figure out what kept me in the two steps forward, one step back cycle. And then I realized, I was missing two important things I had lost when I was a little girl: trust in my body and faith in myself.
THE TURNING POINT
Once I started to understand how essential rebuilding trust and faith would be for both recovery and longterm happiness and health, I knew I needed to peel back all the layers of armor I had created over the years and give my body a chance to find it’s way. I made two big decisions, with the support of my functional medicine hormone specialist, therapist and acupuncturist (who specializes in women’s health). I decided to taper off every medication, supplement and homeopathic remedy that was balancing my hormones, thyroid and mood and perhaps even more importantly, I finally, truly committed to stopping restrictive and compensatory behavior around food. Had I chosen all these treatments with a clear perspective and healthy mindset, I would not have felt the need to do this. But because I knew so many of my decisions in the past had been driven by fear and an inability to trust my body or myself, I wanted to strip everything away and start anew. Effectively, I was releasing my own death grip on the two things that my mental and physical health pivoted around: hormones and my relationship with food and body.
Years of therapy, and developing and practicing a laundry list of healthy coping mechanisms daily, gave me the courage to release the carefully monitored control and find my way to my baseline. It was time to get to know myself again, and to trust that I would be ok no matter what happened. I knew there was a chance I might need medication or other treatments in the future and I was ok with that, because I would be choosing a path rooted in nurturing, acceptance, faith and trust instead of fear and control.
FINDING MY WAY
I USED MINDFULNESS AND MEDITATION to start to recognize and eventually listen to cues around stress, hunger, need for sleep, hormone imbalances or mood instability. These two things helped me create the very precious and important space between feeling or thinking something and choosing how to respond to that thought or emotion. I believe more and more everyday that that space, that moment, is where freedom from things that no longer serve us lies.
I LEARNED ABOUT THE SCIENCE BEHIND THE THINGS THAT MADE ME FEEL OUT OF CONTROL, especially hormonal symptoms, binging, and stress-induced erratic behavior. I honestly do not believe I would be where I am today if it weren’t for this important step in my journey. There’s so much shame and misunderstanding around everything from depression to infertility to eating disorders. Once I understood that nothing was as simple as weakness, a lack of willpower or a lack of dedication, I was able to have a lot more compassion and patience with myself and my body.
I REMOVED BIOLOGICAL BARRIERS TO REBUILDING TRUST. I learned over time that too much caffeine, not enough food, not enough of the right carbohydrates and insufficient sleep were all big triggers for me with hormonal symptoms, anxiety and binge eating. When our hunger hormones, survival instinct and stress response are all working against our efforts to make mindful healthy choices, it can feel impossible to find that connection to our inner wisdom that is integral to rebuilding trust. Giving my body what it needed helped me step out of the binge/restrict cycle, find hormonal harmony and stay connected to myself enough to build trust one self-loving choice at a time.
I STOPPED TRYING TO CONTROL AND CHANGE MY WEIGHT. For the first time in my entire life, I am giving my body the time and space to find it’s way towards a happy, healthy weight. How do I know what that is? For me, that is any weight that is the result of good mental health, balanced hormones, managing stress, getting enough rest and making sustainable, liberated choices around food and exercise. I’ve been letting my body do its thing while eating a happy mix of kale and cookies and living life well for a few years now, and my body is still finding it’s way. After messing with myself for over two decades, I know it’s going to take time.
I GIVE MYSELF TIME AND PATIENCE. For a really long time, I had habits that weren’t supportive of mental or physical health. My priorities were out of whack and my choices reflected that. I work on creating and reinforcing habits that serve my health instead of harm it every single day but I know I’m making up for a lot of lost time. It takes time to rewire our brains and create neural pathways. I have tried everything else, so now I am trying patience.
I STARTED EATING MY “FEAR FOODS” REGULARLY. I made a long list of all the foods I had eliminated from my home and my diet for various reasons, many of them about fear and control. Nut butters, granola, cookies, muffins, dairy-free ice cream, chocolate, bread, brownies, and on and on and on. I slowly but surely reintroduced one food at a time back into my life and eventually, my home. Over the course of the two years I executed this process, I went overboard many times, but the day after I drowned my stress in a jar of almond butter, I would buy another jar and put it right back on the shelf to reinforce that I can always have it if I want it. It was a painful and scary process for me, mostly because I often faced those out of control feelings mentally and physically over and over again, but something inside me knew I had to keep going. And I’m so glad I did because those urgent, frantic feelings around food have been replaced with calm, and of course trust.
I USED THERAPY to help identify triggers and narratives that were preventing me from learning to trust my body and have faith in myself. I could write an entire book about this part of my process, but suffice it to say that understanding where our learned behaviors and opinions of ourselves come from is painful and complicated but incredibly liberating. Without an objective party to challenge our thinking, we often repeat the same unhelpful stories about ourselves over and over. Therapy helped me rewrite mine.
I USED MANTRAS, INTENTIONS, STICKY NOTES AND JOURNALS TO REINFORCE MESSAGES I knew I needed to absorb. Again, rewiring our brains and creating new habits is tricky work. Reinforcing new mindsets and choices can be incredibly helpful with this. One of my favorite mantras that I still use is “There is no scarcity, there is no deprivation. I can have anything and everything I want. My choices to nourish and nurture through nutrition are MY choices. The knowledge I use to make them is a gift, the means I have to make them are a privilege.”
I REMIND MYSELF OF HOW FAR I’VE COME. Years into doing this work to rebuild trust and faith in myself, I still have moments when I am overcome with fear. It’s typically when a situation or person triggers a feeling that feels uncomfortably familiar, and I worry I will turn to old unhealthy ways of coping. When this happens, I usually break out an old journal and turn back the pages to a year or two ago. Alternatively, I make a list of all the things that are different from when I used to experience the feelings that are inspiring fear. This always reminds me that as long as I keep doing the work, the answer will always be “me.”